November 5, 1987

Mom is becoming increasingly weaker. She's sleeping much of the time. My dad is also becoming weaker. One thing about my dad, he was stone deaf. He had a hearing aid that he refused to wear. Mom is in the back bedroom, Dad is on the couch, I was sleeping upstairs. Johnny was sleeping in my mom and dad's room next to where mom's room was. I couldn't hear a thing upstairs, so I moved Johnny up to my room, and slept in my mom and dad's room. I also got out Johnny's old baby monitor so I could hear what was going on in the living room while I was in my mom's room.

I'm seriously just going through the motions at this point. I'm exhausted, trying to take care of everyone. It was killing me to watch my mom suffer like this. The only pain medication she was taking was liquid tylenol 3. The other meds were something to help her stomach handle the formula from the tube feed, halcion to sleep, and ativan for anxiety. The pills had to be dissolved in water so the medication could go through her tube feed. I learned how to give her injections of morphine, but she never wanted any. No matter how sick your mom is, she's still the boss.

As she continued to decline, I found myself hoping that she would die. It's a horrible thing to hope for, but I just couldn't stand to see her suffering like this. She finally stopped trying to walk to the bathroom and agreed to use the bedside potty chair. The morning of November 5 mom tried to use that potty by herself, thanks to the monitor I knew something was up. I went back in her room to find that she had fallen on the floor. I yelled in the monitor as loud as I could for my dad to come and help me. He didn't hear me, so I went running to get him. He came back there with me and together we tried to get mom back in bed. Something popped in my dad, I could hear it and he could feel it, so I helped him back to the living room and called my sister to come and help me.

My dad and I were pretty freaked out. Mom was kind of out of it, so I paced back and forth waiting for Susan to come. It was only a few minutes, but it seemed like forever. Susan finally arrives and we get mom back in bed. I asked mom if she wanted to go to the hospital and she said no. She said that she doesn't think anything is broken. I called the nurse and asked what I should do, and she says give mom her meds and keep an eye on her. Susan called Frankie to let him know what had happened.

After I gave mom her meds, she finally fell back sleep. I asked Susan to pick Johnny up from school, actually I think she was already doing taxi detail. I think I stopped doing it about two weeks after I got home. Mom really wasn't awake most of the time after her fall. I did notice that her breathing was different, slower. I called the nurse and asked her about it and she said she was going to come out and check on her. I just had this sick feeling.

Once the nurse arrived and checked mom out, she took me in the kitchen and said that mom was near the end. She said that her organs were starting to shut down. She had no idea how long this process was going to take, but this was it. Not long after the nurse left, Frankie comes blowing in. He comes into mom's room and takes one look at her and insists that I call an ambulance. I calmly told him no, she's not going anywhere. He says to me, so you are just going to let her die? And I said yes, Frankie, that's exactly what I'm going to do. He starts calling out to mom and asking her if she wanted to go to the hospital, and she opens her eyes and looks at him and says very matter of flatly: HELL NO. He had some words for me and then he left.

I don't even remember what time it was, but it was evening, her breathing was so slow, almost like gasps. I went and got my dad and said that I thought mom was going to go soon. He came back to the room with me and we sat with her while she took her last breath. HELL NO were the last words she spoke. I called Sylvia to tell her and she said that I am to just call the funeral home. I called Susan and told her and asked that she deal with Frankie because I just can't.

The whole day was like a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. There were tears and stuff, but what I felt most was a tremendous amount of relief. I struggled with guilt over that for a very long time. Dr. Kevorkian had the right idea. Although, at that time, I had not heard anything about him. I don't remember who did what, or how any of us got anywhere, but we all went to the funeral home that night and made the arrangements. Sylvia was running the show. The funeral director pulled out a bottle of bourbon and shot glasses, we all had a shot. Then we went to a room to look at caskets. I was completely freaking out. The shot did not help my nerves at all. I ended up in the bathroom heaving my guts out.

All of the arrangements are made, pretty much everyone is in agreement. Dad, Johnny and I go back home. Poor Johnny, my heart just broke for him. He just seemed so lost. I promised him that I would be here to look out for him. I loved him as much as he would let me. I slept in mom's hospital bed for about a week.