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I stopped drinking
the day I found out I was pregnant
One of us had to be an adult and responsible
I knew it had to be me
So I stopped, cold turkey
Never to drink again
The partying had stopped before that even

I became the designated driver
What happens when you quit drinking
Is that you slowly lose your tolerance
For those that do
Especially in close proximity
Who drink a 12 pack a day
Every day like it is a job

So you go to work
Take care of the house
The family
Including the ones that come
every other weekend
the designated driver

I'm still looking for a house
These kids just keep getting bigger
It's starting to get cramped
There is no way to expand
in a rental

Tree season comes and goes
And the inevitable pnuemonia sets in
Leap goes to the doctor
And is prescribed Floxin
We have the same argument
If you are on antibiotics
You should not drink

For some reason, this time he listened
Didn't drink
He was pretty sick
And then it happened
I found him in the front yard
With a flashlight
Helping is dad look for something
In the middle of the night
Only thing, his dad is nowhere to be seen

A couple hours later he is in the driveway
Helping his dad fix his truck
Again, no old man

The kids come for the weekend
Which they probably shouldn't have
He is sick
And in the bathroom having a complete conversation
I go to the door and ask
Who are you talking to in there?
He opens the door and says Thelma
I said Thelma is not in the bathroom with you
And he grabs me and yanks me in there
And says she's standing right there
He's really upset that I don't see her

I called his doctor
Tell him that Leap is hallucinating
He's quiet for a minute and asks
When is the last time he had a beer?
I responded, a couple of days
He said it's the DT's
I said, are you serious?
The doctor says give him a beer
If it goes away, that's what it is
or
Bring him to the emergency room

I called Thelma and told her what is happening
She comes and gets the kids
I take Leap to the emergency room
He was admitted
He was like that for days
The scariest thing I've ever witnessed
Thelma comes to visit him
We go to the nurses desk
Remember, Thelma is a nurse
And we start asking questions
The nurses flat out told us
They are treating him for DT's
Thelma thinks he is losing his mind
And asks me who will take care of him

Well Thelma, since you are re-married
And he and I are living together
I don't think you have anything to worry about
I'll get him through this
I would never consider dumping him on you

While this is happening, we also have a squirrel
Driving me nuts, in the attic
Wild Kingdom again
As Leap starts to finally recover
He says that he is going to cut a hole in the ceiling
In the closet, in our bedroom
And he's going to get rid of the squirrel
Once and for all
He starts formulating his plan
Calls his cousin Greg
And the day he is released
They proceed to get rid of the squirrel

They cut the hole in the ceiling
And took care of the squirrel
I came home from work
to a lovely mess
But slept well that night

Leap claims that he had an allergic reaction
to Floxin
Not what Thelma and I were told
He even had the doctor write him a note
I suppose it's possible
Once he was completely recovered
He resumed his job
a 12 pack a day

Shortly after that episode
Aunt Sylvia called
She had a house for us to look at
It's in my price range
Same school system
3 bedrooms
2 baths
Go for it

The paperwork begins
Sylvia helped with all of it
I am buying the house
First of all, that's how it was going to be
There was never any discussion
I was buying the house

It's pretty scary
Filling out the forms
Signing page after page after page
I thought I was going to have a stroke
A pretty big step
And then the waiting
The signing of more pages, way more

And then I get
I can't believe you bought a house
Without my permission
Well, Leap, what did you think?
Why were we looking at houses
for so long
Did you not think, the end result
Would be a purchase
That was my goal
You can move or stay
But Anthony and I are moving
He pissed and moaned
While I was at work
He moved us in, again
That was the last time
I own this place
I'll die here

On the weekend
We go to the old house to clean
You know that hole that Leap made in the ceiling?
There was one just like it in Anthony's closet
And speaking of Anthony's closet
We never really kept anything but storage stuff in there
What we found were empty snack packages
Lots of them
All the time I thought Leap was eating the snacks
Turns out, it was one of the kids
Dustin, to be exact
And he was hiding the evidence
in the closet
I changed the kids weekend
Back to my weekend off
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"You don't know what I know
cuz if you did you'd be me"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Miss Can't Be Wrong - Spin Doctors

Been a whole lot easier since the bitch left town

Been a whole lot happier without her face around

Nobody upstairs gonna stomp and shout

Nobody at the back door throwin' my laundry out
She holds the shotgun while you do-si-do

She want one man made of Hercules and Cyrano

Been a whole lot easier since the bitch is gone

Little miss little miss little miss can't be wrong

Little miss little miss little miss can't be wrong

Ain't nobody gonna bow no more when you sound your gong

Little miss little miss little miss can't be wrong

What you gonna do to get into another one of these here Rock & Roll songs
Other people's songs they ain't your hand-me-downs

Would it be so bad if you simply turned around

You cook so well, all nice & French

You do your brain surgery too Momma, wit yo monkey wrench

I hope them cigarettes are gonna make you cough

I hope you hear this song, and it pisses you off

I take that back I hope you're doin' fine

And if I had a dollar, I might give you ninety-nine