United States Postal Service

Ok
Here's something
Let me know what you think

My mail carrier is an asshole
He uses rubber bands to attach
packages to my mailbox
Opens the mailbox door
Uses the rubber bands
Like bungi cords

I have asked him repeatedly
NOT TO DO THAT
Throw it on the ground
but please stop it
You are breaking my mailbox
To no avail

Or he will stop at the end of my driveway
Walk up and throw packages on my porch
While I'm standing there with the door open
To cheerfully accept them from him
He'll then walk back to his truck
Drive 3 feet to my mailbox
And stick mail in the mailbox
Is it me, or is that just ignorant?

I have complained about him
To his supervisor on countless occassions
We'll talk to him is all I get

Recently, my mailbox broke
Which I predicted months ago
I went and purchased a new one
One without the clip at the top
Asshole can't put anymore rubberbands on it

I walked out to the end of the driveway
The day after MAD installed the new box
I walked out there to speak to the mail carrier
To ask him to once again stop doing that
He drove right past me, as if I weren't there
And put mail in my box and proceeded to drive away
I was livid
I yelled HEY!
He slammed on the brakes and yelled out of his window
Is there a problem?
I said yes there is a problem
I wanted to ask you to not put rubber bands
on my mailbox anymore
He throws the truck in reverse
And yells what rubber bands?
Like he didn't know what I was talking about
I tried to calmly explain how I had to replace
The mailbox that he broke

And then this is what I got
"Well, I see you're on a walker
But you don't have a problem walking down
To the post office every day to complain
about me!"
And he took off down the street
As he was driving away
I yelled,
Well you can guaran-fucking-tee
That I will be walking down there
again right now to complain about your
ignorant, rude ass

I couldn't get back up the driveway fast enough
If you can imagine me running
go for it
But the music from The Wizard of Oz
You know, when the witch appears
Is going through my head
I came in the house and grabbed my keys
Jumped in the car
Flew down the hill
Doing the wide left around the mail asshole
He knows where I'm going

I walk into the post office
Asked to speak to the highest ranking person there
This supervisor, who I've complained to before
Comes out and asks me what the problem is
I explain to him everything that I've just written
Tell him I want to file a formal complaint
Since the problems that I have been having
Have not been resolved
I want it in writing
I want results
He assures me that he will speak to mail asshole's
immediate supervisor
I came home and took a xanax or three

Next day
I go out to get the mail
In between a couple envelopes
is a dead rubber band
I didn't think too much of it
Let it slide

The day after that
I go out to get the mail
Open the door
Reach in
Without looking
And touch something wiggly
The hair stands up on the back of my neck
I look in
There is a handfull of dead rubber bands!
Honest to God
I can't make this shit up
Wicked Witch of the West music

I jump in the car
With my handful of broken rubber bands
Fly down the hill
Mail asshole is nowhere to be seen
When he finishes my street
He goes to the last house on the right
and then goes to Chuck's Auto Body
On the left
He's nowhere, I'm looking
I was going to invite him along
I would have loved that!
But he's nowhere

I walk into the post office
Say to the girl behind the counter
Are you ready for this?
She laughs and says I don't know
I put my handfull of dead rubber bands on the counter
She says, you got to be kidding me
I say no, no kidding here
She says, I'll be right back

Several moments later
Fat supervisor, mail asshole's direct supervisor (woman)
and some skinny dude are all standing in front of me
I said to all of them
Don't you think this is just a little juvenile?
I hope you do, because I feel like a two year old
Standing here telling on my mail carrier
The woman says she is his direct supervisor
Asks me for complete details of all the problems
So I calmly go through the whole flipping nine yards
AGAIN
She assures me that she will have a speak with him
Ok, I feel better
The music is stopping
Back in the car
Ready to turn onto my street
And who is sitting at Chuck's Auto Body?
That would be mail asshole
Now I'm creeped out
He had to have been hiding
Waiting to see what I would do

The next day
Different mail carrier
I was expecting a package
From my computer chair
I can see it's a different carrier
He's coming out of the school
So I put my feet on
And walk out to the end of the driveway
The guy stops and laughs
He says God, don't tell me he makes you walk out here
We had a 10 minute conversation
About what an asshole dude is
He tells me nobody can stand him
He tells me I'm not the only one that complains
He tells me the only way to fire a postal worker
They have to catch him stealing
(I confirmed that with Joe)
He said cheer up
He only has about 5 more years until he retires
I laughed and said one of us is not going
To live that long
Aren't postal workers the ones that go POSTAL????
Isn't that where that expression came from?

I'm thinking about taping this to the inside
of my mailbox door